(taken from "Healing Grief: Reclaiming Life After Any Loss" by James Van Praagh)
"Bargaining is a phase we use as a way to control a situation. It is a type of defense mechanism. A person may make a promise to God that if he or she behaves a particular way, then everything will be reversed, or the scenario will be prevented by some miraculous occurrence. Bargaining, like denial, keeps us from facing reality. Sometimes the shock of loss can become too much to bear, and we resort to this kind of reasoning. Bargaining may temporarily comfort some people as they ease into the truth of the situation. However, if you live in an illusionary world where denial and bargaining are totally encompassing, you begin to detach from the reality around you."
As we continue to explore the stages of grief and examine where we may be in this process, I encourage those who have been a part of Renewal to hold fast to what God has done and is doing in your life. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Comforter.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Dealing With Anger
(The following was taken from the Life Recovery Bible):
"Many of us have a hard time dealing with anger. Some of us have a history of rage, so we try to stifle our feelings. Others of us stuff down the feelings of anger, pretending they don't exist, because we were never allowed to express them in the past. If some of our problems stem from not knowing how to express anger properly, we may try to avoid dealing with it altogether. We may try to 'put it off' and hope it goes away.
The apostle Paul said, 'Don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil' (Ephesians 4:26-27). One key is to have daily time limits for handling our anger---time to find ways to express the feelings and then let them go.
Dealing with anger promptly is important because when it is left to fester, it becomes bitterness. Bitterness is anger that has been buried and given time to grow. The Bible warns us: 'Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slanders as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you' (Ephesians 4: 31-32)."
"Many of us have a hard time dealing with anger. Some of us have a history of rage, so we try to stifle our feelings. Others of us stuff down the feelings of anger, pretending they don't exist, because we were never allowed to express them in the past. If some of our problems stem from not knowing how to express anger properly, we may try to avoid dealing with it altogether. We may try to 'put it off' and hope it goes away.
The apostle Paul said, 'Don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil' (Ephesians 4:26-27). One key is to have daily time limits for handling our anger---time to find ways to express the feelings and then let them go.
Dealing with anger promptly is important because when it is left to fester, it becomes bitterness. Bitterness is anger that has been buried and given time to grow. The Bible warns us: 'Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slanders as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you' (Ephesians 4: 31-32)."
Monday, May 25, 2009
Not Enough Rocks
The following excerpt was taken from the book, "Wounds That Heal" by Stephen Seamands.
"The movie Forrest Gump contains a heartwrenching scene where five-year-old Jenny, Forrest's friend, prays as the two of them are running into a cornfield to hide from her drunken father: 'Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.'
Years late, Jenny returns to the small town where she grew up to visit Forrest. The two of them, now adults in their thirties, are walking near the abandoned shack where she once lived. As she fixes her eyes on it, painful buried memories of the abuse flood her mind.
She bursts into tears and begins to vent her hurt and anger by picking up the rocks around her and throwing them as hard as she can at the shack. When there are no more rocks, she takes off her shoes and throws them too. Finally she falls to the ground sobbing. As Forrest reflects on the scene he says, 'Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks.'
Like Jenny, deep-seated pain and anger may still fester in your heart. At times, you may find yourself shaking a clenched fist toward heaven as a raging voice within cries out, God, it isn't fair! It's not right. What did I do to deserve this? We agree with Forrest Gump, 'Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks.' "
If you are struggling to work through some anger issues due to things that have happened in your past, come and join us in our Renewal meeting this week. We will be discussing anger, how to handle it, and how to relinquish it to God so He can heal our wounded souls and spirits.
"The movie Forrest Gump contains a heartwrenching scene where five-year-old Jenny, Forrest's friend, prays as the two of them are running into a cornfield to hide from her drunken father: 'Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.'
Years late, Jenny returns to the small town where she grew up to visit Forrest. The two of them, now adults in their thirties, are walking near the abandoned shack where she once lived. As she fixes her eyes on it, painful buried memories of the abuse flood her mind.
She bursts into tears and begins to vent her hurt and anger by picking up the rocks around her and throwing them as hard as she can at the shack. When there are no more rocks, she takes off her shoes and throws them too. Finally she falls to the ground sobbing. As Forrest reflects on the scene he says, 'Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks.'
Like Jenny, deep-seated pain and anger may still fester in your heart. At times, you may find yourself shaking a clenched fist toward heaven as a raging voice within cries out, God, it isn't fair! It's not right. What did I do to deserve this? We agree with Forrest Gump, 'Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks.' "
If you are struggling to work through some anger issues due to things that have happened in your past, come and join us in our Renewal meeting this week. We will be discussing anger, how to handle it, and how to relinquish it to God so He can heal our wounded souls and spirits.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Living Beyond Guilt
Philippians 3:13, 14---"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. "
Last night, in small group, we talked about living in the "today"---forget about yesterday, don't worry about tomorrow. And, if we could only do that. If we would choose to focus on the things of today, most of us could make it through "today". But, it's the yesterdays and tomorrows that seem to give us so many problems. Rest in God, for He will take care of you.
We discussed guilt and the affect it has on our lives. We talked how we must not take responsibility for everything negative going on in our lives. And, besides, we can't always "fix" it. Learning to trust God by releasing the guilt over things beyond our control, or over things in the past, will bring healing to the soul.
Romans 8: 1, 2 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
Last night, in small group, we talked about living in the "today"---forget about yesterday, don't worry about tomorrow. And, if we could only do that. If we would choose to focus on the things of today, most of us could make it through "today". But, it's the yesterdays and tomorrows that seem to give us so many problems. Rest in God, for He will take care of you.
We discussed guilt and the affect it has on our lives. We talked how we must not take responsibility for everything negative going on in our lives. And, besides, we can't always "fix" it. Learning to trust God by releasing the guilt over things beyond our control, or over things in the past, will bring healing to the soul.
Romans 8: 1, 2 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Guilt vs. Shame
Shame: the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.
Guilt: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
"Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good."
"Guilt is when we hold up our behaviors against what we want to be." "Shame corrodes the piece of us that believes we can be better."
The following was taken from wmeades.com: "When a person feels ashamed, he thinks of himself as weak and inadequate. The path to healing for guilt leads through forgiveness. The path to healing for shame leads through acceptance. Understandably, these two emotions are closely linked and confused since they often appear in tandem. Adam and Eve felt guilt at having transgressed God’s command. Their guilt feelings led to feelings of shame and the behavior of hiding because they felt unworthy of relationship with God."
Luke 15 tells the story of the prodigal son. The son returns home to his father, and verse 21 states: "Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son." The father hugs and kisses the son, and throws a party. He wanted to relieve his son of shame and guilt. In the same way, God wants to do the same for us. Just go to the Heavenly Father, ask for forgiveness, and He is faithful and just to forgive, heal and restore.
Guilt: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
"Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good."
"Guilt is when we hold up our behaviors against what we want to be." "Shame corrodes the piece of us that believes we can be better."
The following was taken from wmeades.com: "When a person feels ashamed, he thinks of himself as weak and inadequate. The path to healing for guilt leads through forgiveness. The path to healing for shame leads through acceptance. Understandably, these two emotions are closely linked and confused since they often appear in tandem. Adam and Eve felt guilt at having transgressed God’s command. Their guilt feelings led to feelings of shame and the behavior of hiding because they felt unworthy of relationship with God."
Luke 15 tells the story of the prodigal son. The son returns home to his father, and verse 21 states: "Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son." The father hugs and kisses the son, and throws a party. He wanted to relieve his son of shame and guilt. In the same way, God wants to do the same for us. Just go to the Heavenly Father, ask for forgiveness, and He is faithful and just to forgive, heal and restore.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Denial ("da Nile")
Last night, we discussed denial---no, not the river in Egypt (bad joke, I know). In any type of recovery process, whether it be grief or addictions, the first step is to admit there is a problem. Denial will act as a "shield" to temper the things around us so we won't have to "feel the pain". When we come out of denial, we start feeling the pain, and that hurts. Many may go through this stage quickly, while others may require more time to process what has occurred. At some point, you must come to the realization that something bad has happened, and begin to work towards acceptance. But, in the meantime, you will go through those other steps or stages that may be even harder.
The most often heard reference to denial spoken of in the Bible was when Peter denied knowing Jesus just prior to His crucifixion. As Peter was gathered there in the crowd with others, when asked "Aren't you one of his followers?", Peter denies knowing Him. We may judge and wonder how Peter could have done this when being in such close fellowship with Jesus on a daily basis. But, don't be so quick to judge Peter. Do we not sometimes deny knowing Christ in "his power", and try to push Him aside? Do we try to deny that He will take care of us in our weakness? Because, after all, where was God when all these troubles started?
So, I encourage you to stop denying Christ's power to "handle your mess". Step One in the Twelve-Step program: "We admitted that we were powerless over our dependencies---that our life had become unmanageable." Stage One in the grieving process is denial. Accept the first principle of restoration: Step out of your denial and admit there is a problem. God bless you on your journey!
The most often heard reference to denial spoken of in the Bible was when Peter denied knowing Jesus just prior to His crucifixion. As Peter was gathered there in the crowd with others, when asked "Aren't you one of his followers?", Peter denies knowing Him. We may judge and wonder how Peter could have done this when being in such close fellowship with Jesus on a daily basis. But, don't be so quick to judge Peter. Do we not sometimes deny knowing Christ in "his power", and try to push Him aside? Do we try to deny that He will take care of us in our weakness? Because, after all, where was God when all these troubles started?
So, I encourage you to stop denying Christ's power to "handle your mess". Step One in the Twelve-Step program: "We admitted that we were powerless over our dependencies---that our life had become unmanageable." Stage One in the grieving process is denial. Accept the first principle of restoration: Step out of your denial and admit there is a problem. God bless you on your journey!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Stages of Grief
In 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed a model for the five stages of grief. I learned about those while attending mortuary school in 1978. I can still remember the acrostic that I used to put them to memory: DABDA
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
While researching on the internet today, I learned another "grief model" had been developed which includes seven stages:
1. Shock & denial
2. Pain & guilt
3. Anger & bargaining
4. Depression, reflection, loneliness
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction & working through
7. Acceptance & hope
(There was also a four-stage grief model by Dr. Phil, but I won't include it right now).
Last week at our group meeting, I told them about DABDA, but did not go into any details. This week, we will begin to explore the different stages of grief, and find out where in this process you may find yourself. Even if you have worked through various stages, please come and be a part of our discussion. Your testimony in that particular area may help someone else within the group that may be "stuck".
Ecclesiastes 4: 10--- " If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" Come and let us be your friend.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
While researching on the internet today, I learned another "grief model" had been developed which includes seven stages:
1. Shock & denial
2. Pain & guilt
3. Anger & bargaining
4. Depression, reflection, loneliness
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction & working through
7. Acceptance & hope
(There was also a four-stage grief model by Dr. Phil, but I won't include it right now).
Last week at our group meeting, I told them about DABDA, but did not go into any details. This week, we will begin to explore the different stages of grief, and find out where in this process you may find yourself. Even if you have worked through various stages, please come and be a part of our discussion. Your testimony in that particular area may help someone else within the group that may be "stuck".
Ecclesiastes 4: 10--- " If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" Come and let us be your friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
